Introduction
My name is Suzanne Smith. Donna is my sister. Donna was brutally
murdered by her husband Tony who then committed suicide. This is Donna’s
story, which is one of betrayal by an abusive husband and a justice system that
failed to protect her. Donna and
Tony’s story is a compilation of facts and personal research that I have
conducted during the last year of Donna’s life and the five years since her
murder. It is my hope that through our family’s tragedy and mistakes potential
spousal killers can be identified before further
abuse escalates into murder. It is
my hope that the justice system will evolve to recognize, establish control, and
ultimately stop potential domestic murders.
Telling
Donna’s story is intended to assist in recognizing the signs and traits
leading up to domestic homicide. This
report demonstrates beyond any doubt that domestic homicide is predictable and
therefore is preventable. Certain identifiable behaviour can foreshadow extreme
violence. The information introduced here establishes that wife killers are a
specific category of murderers. Wife killers are not “normal guys except for
the fact that they beat and threaten to kill their wives”. However, abusers
look normal; they aren’t glaring madmen or twitchy neurotics.
We cannot tell a perpetrator by looking at him.
We also cannot comprehend why they seem so vulnerable and obsessed, to
the loss of an intimate partner they themselves have driven away or how that
vulnerability turns into a rage to destroy her.
What we are aware of, is that abusers have borderline
personalities. Abusers all use the same language, have the same specific and
identifiable characteristics and behaviour, as if they attended a school and
completed a course on how to be abusive. Domestic violence is a combination of
escalating threats, control, insults, morbid jealousy, and inability to accept
responsibility for one’s own faults, blind rage and obsessive possessiveness.
We
are beginning to learn that intimate abuse is not just about hits and punches.
It is about psychologically and physically trying to control their victims’
use of time and space in order to isolate them from all social connection, both
past and present. It is an all-out attempt to annihilate their wives’ self
esteem and to enslave them psychologically. It is performed repeatedly in order
to maintain and to inflate the damaged self-identity of the abuser. The passion
to have absolute and unrestricted control over a living being is the
transformation of impotence into omnipotence.
We
know what “normal” anger is, as it is directed at an enemy. Abnormal anger
is directed at a total stranger or a loved one triggered by trivial irritations.
We all need some power and control in our lives but we don’t generate it by
dominating others. The control an abuser views as essential a normal man views
as abhorrent.
Emotional
and physical abuse are significantly related to one another. Both are based on a
need for control and domination.
Wife
killers have the attitude “if I can’t have her no one is going to have
her”. This suggests that abusers see their wife and children as essential
possessions; property that has to be controlled and maintained, the way a junkie
would keep his drug supply flowing.
Psychologists
have designated three types of abusers.
1.
Cyclical/Emotionally
Volatile Abuser – Over controlling. Verbally abusive towards their wife.
Usually a large gap between physically violent episodes (years). Police rarely
called.
2.
Psychopathic
Wife Assaulter – History of criminal activities, antisocial behaviour. Violent
with others as well as with their partners. Frequently arrested for non-violent
crimes.
3.
Cyclical
batterer - is the most dangerous and the least understood. They are the
batterers who will eventually try to kill their wife. Their harmfulness stems
from the serial and private nature of their violence. It is repetitive and
transcends women and relationships. They appear to have two personalities, one
at home with their partners and another in public – and even in private they
undergo changes, alternately acting abusive and contrite.
I
have explored the facets of abuse and examined the various types of abusers and
the predictable pattern of behavior known as the cycle of abuse. It consists of
three phases that can vary in timing and intensity from one couple to another.
The first is tension building, the second, explosion of acute battering, and the
third, loving contrition. Within Donna and Tony’s story, I will retrace the
creation of an abuser’s personality and explain how a batterer became a
full-fledged perpetrator. Research
data on wife assault suggests this is not a random act. Something more is going
on that guides the direction or the focus of the rage, something assumed or
perhaps learned about male-female relationships.
Abusers
are usually, but not always, victims of physical, mental and sexual abuse.
Assaultive
men in general use alcohol and drugs. What results is a volatile combination of
unhappy, angry men who have lost all restraint. While there may be an
association between alcohol use and violence, one does not cause the other. Both
can be traced back to an earlier aspect of a dysfunctional personality. A
personality is formed much sooner than one learns to use alcohol or to hit.
Batterers
and domestic killers know that the current judicial process is ineffective and
that in most instances, they can get away with murder.
It will require the effort of all facets of society, and every sector of
the justice system to shed the light of understanding into the dark hellish
minds of abusers and prosecute them vigorously at the first instance.
Brief
Family History
Donna
was a very gentle, sensitive, well-behaved little girl. She had a special
adoration for horses and all other animals and plants. She would spend hours
reading, studying and playing with them. She had many friends and relatives in
the neighborhood and Donna was well thought of by both adults and children.
Donna was able to make it to church each Sunday without getting her clothes
dirty, had excellent grades in school, posed nicely for pictures and was never
the one who got into mischief.
At
a very young age, Donna developed a crush on a neighborhood boy named Tony.
Tony’s aunt had married an uncle of ours and we would see Tony at family
celebrations. Tony was an only child born to unmarried, alcoholic parents who
fought continuously and beat him. Tony lived with and was raised primarily by
his maternal grandmother. Donna knew nothing of his background or misfortunes.
He was just another kid to play with in the neighborhood. However, Tony was
viewed by family and friends as moody and having a volatile temper.
Donna
and Tony’s adult relationship always had an element of domineering controlling
behaviour from Tony. Over the years, many of our family members had witnessed
how Tony would explode into fits of rage at the slightest provocation. At these
times his face would become distorted, his mouth would become frozen down at
both corners and his eyes became shark like (dead). I referred to this as the
“kink” in my brother in laws brain.
This
past year, I have learned that science has already verified the existence of
brain abnormalities within abusers. For me, it was the single most important and
intriguing discovery which proved that abusers are not normal. I had seen it and
now I was reading scientific studies that proved it.
Abused
wives often mention how their abuser's face becomes terrifying during a physical
beating. Their expressions become contorted. Scientifically we now know that
this is the physical expression of the dissociative rage that accompanies the
enormous physical arousal inherent in violent episodes.
Donna
began dating Tony during her teenage years. Tony had joined the Air Force and
was stationed in Prince Edward Island. When she finished high school, he sent
for Donna to visit him. She returned two years later, married to him.
There
were times when Donna would confide in me and describe some of the fights that
she and Tony had been having. I was
stunned at the venomous accusations and soul crushing language Tony used towards
Donna. He undermined her confidence, insulted her abilities, and dominated her
every turn. Intermittently he exploded in tirades of abuse, insulting her and
even unwanted sex.
Many
times over the years, I became
extremely frustrated and angry with Donna for not leaving Tony and I let her
know my feelings. I was constantly telling Donna to leave him.
Donna became defensive of Tony saying how he was “ really a good man”
and that she was the “only love and support he had on this planet, he had no
one else”. Donna said for the
most part he made her happy. What I didn’t realize at the time, was that I was
in some respects alienating my sister. I now know that I had inadvertently
created a situation within which she could not confide in me that the verbal
abuse had escalated to extreme physical abuse and torture. I was wrong in my
approach to Donna because I was ignorant of the psychological factors associated
with domestic abuse. Abused women require gentle support and understanding.
One
of the most eye opening discoveries I have learned since that time is why women
stay in an abusive relationship. The reasons are inherently contradictory as
they are both fear and hope.
The
main reason a woman stays in an abusive relationship is fear. They are afraid of
what will happen to them because they are no longer living with a mate but a
killer. They are afraid of what will happen to them if they leave. Their fears
are justified as evidence shows a woman is at greater risk of injury and death
after she leaves an abusive relationship than if she stays.
The secondary reasons are for religious and cultural influences, for the
children, financial dependency and fear of never finding another mate.
The
bonds that bind abuse victims to their tormenters are legendary.
Something
similar to this happens in battered women. It is called traumatic bonding.
Traumatic
bonding is based on two aspects, one person holding more power than the other
and intermittent abuse. Unpredictable, intermittent reinforcement is a powerful
motivator that keeps one coming back for more. The victim’s hope is that maybe
this time it will be better. Abused women can, unconsciously collude with their
abusers in denial and begin to interpret the abuse as love.
Others become so beaten down that they seem to lose all will to care for
themselves. The judicial system
needs to recognize this abnormality and imbalance of power within this situation
and take drastic steps of assuming full responsibility for prosecuting the
abusive men, with or without the victim’s testimony or pleadings.
After
physical violence, a victim’s reactions are similar to those who have
experienced a natural disaster. These
typically involve emotional collapse within twenty-two to forty-eight hours
after the catastrophe and symptoms of post-traumatic stress such as
listlessness, depression and feelings of helplessness. Victims tend to isolate
themselves for some time in an attempt to heal and to avoid having their
injuries detected by friends.
There
is a contrition phase after physical abuse. A wife often chooses to believe that
this is her husband’s true nature. It hooks her on the potential of the
relationship and appeals to her need to rescue him. During the contrition phase
the man throws himself on his wife’s mercy giving her the illusion of holding
all the power. He arouses her optimism and her sense of nurturance. Codependence
evolves from the two partners trying to convince each other that they can battle
the world together and that their “love” will triumph. The abuser may beg
his wife to think of his career, of the family unit and religious reasons. Unfortunately, for the
most part, social conditioning within our society backs him up.
There
isn’t any special deficit in a battered woman’s personality that makes her
susceptible to getting trapped in an abusive relationship. The features of the
relationship itself are sufficient to account for the trapping. Victims begin
living in a surrealistic state of existence. As the days pass, the bad memories
fade, and only the good ones remain, fed by the woman’s desire to satisfy her
man’s neediness.
Abusers
know exactly how hard to hit in order to scare and intimidate their wives
without leaving marks. The wives often refuse to call police because they cannot
believe the violence really occurred and the unreality paralyzes them. Abusers
play up to police perfectly, respecting their authority, ostensibly cooperating
trying to 'recruit’ them by forming a male bonding where the common grievance
is hysterical females; saying things like “Does your wife ever get like this?,
she’s mentally deranged, she can’t get her act together’. Abusers maintain
a cool, dismissive tone when talking about their wives, or complain about their
wife’s behaviour in part to deflect the focus from their own abusiveness. This
illusion of detachment allows the abuser to overlook his own hidden dependency
needs.
For most women, the single act of having to call the police
is an extremely tense experience; notwithstanding that their lives may be in
danger. Often times, behind that first phone call to you is an accumulation of
many years of hardship and terror. For the most part, we are raised with the
belief that the police would never be needed on our doorsteps. Unfortunately,
the conditioning is still prevalent that only “trash” ever gets involved in
the type of personal disputes to need the Police.
The
Police in Ontario have done a superlative job over the past decade in making
themselves approachable and available to the average citizen. Particularly so to
women in distress due to abusive situations.
However,
to this day, the majority of
Canadians respect the police but continue to live with the understanding that
police are to be avoided. As adults, we share information as to where the
“spot checks” are so we can stay clear of them. When those big cruisers come
out of nowhere on our highways, Torontonians miraculously become courteous
drivers and move over to let the “police go by”. Dealing with law
enforcement is not a normal and routine practice in our lives.
I
am aware that the average policeman will be exposed to more danger on a daily
basis than the average Canadian military member. I am sorry that my family
contributed to the very essence of what your nightmares are made of.
The
military had hospitalized Tony on several occasions during his tenure for
“anger management control problems”. Tony walked through life as if he were
the perfect man who had been cursed with a wife who didn’t recognize his
perfection. Some days he wouldn’t let her leave the house, physically
restraining her and threatening her with violence. Tony displayed a
constellation of feelings involving rage and jealousy. He found ways of
misinterpreting and blaming Donna, holding her responsible for his own feelings
of despondency, making impossible demands on her, and punishing her for
inevitably failing. Tony held himself in the grip of cyclical moods that ebbed
and flowed with a fearful rhythm. He would become pathologically jealous,
drawing ludicrous conclusions about nonexistent problems. He didn’t merely
react to events but created a different view of the world in which emotional
bumps become earthquakes. Many times Donna could see Tony’s dark side coming
and his tension growing. Then the gradual descent into her living hell would
begin, paved with sarcasm, put-downs and insults about her abilities as a wife,
housekeeper, lover, cook etc. Donna, in a desperate attempt to avoid the
inevitable battle, would go into survival mode. She would swallow her own
outrage and cater to his every whim. She would try to pacify him, making sure
nothing and noone would upset him, doing little extra favors. It was hopeless.
In
1992, Donna and Tony purchased their dream house in Newmarket. They were going
to renovate an old farmhouse and this was to be their final home, as he was not
going to accept any more transfers. Donna was working full time as a patent law
clerk for a law firm in downtown Toronto.
Tony
was retired from the airforce at age forty. He was an unemployed soldier.
In
October of 1994, Tony threatened to kill Donna. However, she managed to escape
under dramatic circumstances. Donna finally acknowledged that their relationship
transcended anything considered normal. A marital counselor was engaged who
specialized in domestic violence. Donna proceeded to do all the things the
counselor suggested such as seek the help of the police, her workplace, and her
doctor, her family and friends.
Donna returned home only with Tony’s agreement that he
address his anger problems, attend counseling and get a job. Tony attended just
one counseling session; Donna continued on her own.
Abusers
routinely quit therapy from therapists who confront them. They have a
particularly abhorrence towards female therapists.
When abusers are referred to treatment groups for wife assault, they are
considered a poor bet for improvement. Abusers don’t look back; as a result,
they never learn from past mistakes. Progressive, constructive solutions to move
beyond an abuser's flaw is not part of their make up.
Tony
became extremely unhappy that the family knew of their marital problems and that
Donna was beginning to spend time with her friends and family again.
On
January 22nd, 1995 on a Sunday afternoon, Tony exploded in yet another violent
rage. His tirade escalated to such a degree that he picked up a bible and began
quoting religious text in how he was the “grim reaper”. He then tried to
kill Donna. He beat her, threaten to cut off
her fingers with a kitchen knife, picked her up by the skin of her face,
hung her there and then threw her against the refrigerator. Tony then flipped
her upside down and threw her across the room.
Tony threatened to kill her and then kill everything that she loved
including her family members and her dogs. Tony went upstairs to load a gun. It
was at this time, Donna regained consciousness, grabbed the car keys and fled.
While Donna was backing out of the
driveway Tony threw himself at the car and managed to stop her escape. He pulled
Donna out of the car while smashing her head against the car door and threw the
keys into a snowbank. He pulled her back into the house and beat her again.
Tony again thought Donna was unconscious and went back upstairs to
continue loading the gun.
While
upstairs, Tony systematically called each of Donna’s immediate family members
including me and announced that Donna had two minutes to live and then he was
coming to “annihilate” all of us. I immediately called the police. Donna had
managed to escape and drive herself to the police station and tell them what had
happened.
Tony
was arrested and spent three days in jail. The Justice of the Peace released
Tony with bail conditions not the least of which was a restraining order stating
that Tony stay away from Donna and her family. Tony was also to receive anger
management counseling. The details of the fight were provided in written form to
the Justice of the Peace but were not spoken aloud in court. The Crown Attorney
and the Justice appeared embarrassed, clinical, and uninterested in the details
of the actual fight. Tony was released to our mutual uncle in London Ontario.
Because
Donna was able to get away that day, and because the Newmarket police were swift
and vigilant in their response, Donna’s life was extended by four months. The
police provided protection and compassion in a time of great need. The remainder
of Donna’s life granted her a brief reprieve from an abusive marriage. Her
final months were filled with daily reminders of the love and support of family
and friends and unrestrained sisterly laughter.
The
deadliest mistake Donna and I made
was the false sense of security and protection the restraining order gave her.
We projected our own values, such as honouring and abiding a court order, onto
Tony who recognized no authority other than his own. What in fact was happening was that Tony’s rage was being
fuelled by Donna’s overtures to leave the marriage. He had lost control over
her; and had now experienced being
controlled through minimal jail time and the issuance of the restraining order.
Tony was embarrassed and enraged that Donna’s
family members supported her and were in attendance during the court
proceedings. The loss or impending
loss, created extreme anxiety, rage, and tunnel vision within Tony. THE MOST
DANGEROUS TIMES FOR A WOMAN ARE WHEN SHE SEPARATES, WHEN SHE SEEKS SHELTER OR
ASSISTANCE FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND WHEN SHE BECOMES PREGNANT (the husband
fears the baby will replace him in his wife’s affections).
Tony’s
rage then progressed to a state of “rumination”.
A perpetrator ruminates on his wife’s malevolence, driving his arousal and
fury even higher. When he finally explodes, his rage is uncontrollable. He wants
to annihilate his victim, and he will at least terrify and humiliate her. This
specific type of tunnel vision occurs just prior to abuse and murders, including
murder/suicides. In murder/suicides, the victim and abuser have typically been
in a long-term relationship, with repeated discord and battering. His depression
worsens with an apparent final breakup, and this perception triggers violence.
The abusers’ tension builds, spilling over into an obsession of the
“problem”, which is his wife. The wish to destroy her becomes overwhelming.
The thought that repeats itself is simply “she ruined my life, she
can’t leave me, I’ll show her” and “if I can’t have her nobody else
will”. Abusive men obsess on a pattern of blaming, bad feelings and fantasized
recrimination. They are agitated, tense, frenzied, cannot sit still or relax and
feel some inner force overtaking them. The
abuser’s thought process feeds on itself, leading to faster and harder blows
until the weapon is empty or the abuser is exhausted. For the abuser, it
releases the pent-up tension and the physical action is pleasurable. The repeat
abuser becomes addicted to this tension release. It is the only way he knows to
rid himself of his bad feelings, it is the only thing that makes him feel good.
When this type of situation escalates into murder, homicide detectives call the
results “overkill”.
Cyclical
abusers have no remorse; there isn’t any looking back only a relentless
unrealistic view of the future. A lack of emotional responsiveness sets them
apart from other criminals. Their
defining feature is described as a missing conscience. Conscience is the ability
to punish the self for violating ones own standards of conduct. Most normally
socialized men do go through some remorse for hurting their wives.
Abusers find ways to neutralize the guilt by blaming the victim – “I
warned her not to make me angry, she drove me to it, she ruined my life”.
Abusers
do not have any guilt pangs. In fact, psychologists have found that cylical
abusers brains do not function like those of normal people when they are
observing emotionally provocative events. Brain scans performed on abusers and
normal men show dramatically different processing. The brain scans for abusers
look as though nothing is happening; just a bit of bright colour in the brain.
These same x-rays were shown to a group of doctors who laughed and said the
scans were of people who were dead or nearly dead. By contrast, the scans of normal men showed huge bright
colour patterns indicating extensive brain activity.
Another
factor is that batterers show a decline in heart rate during the course of a
violent argument. In other words, batterers become calm internally despite their
emotionally aggressive behaviour. There is a disconnection between physiology
and behaviour. Abusers look aroused, they act aroused, but on the inside, they
are getting calmer and calmer. They
function like trained martial artists, cool and composed with a suppressed
autonomic reaction while highly alert and tuned to the environment.
Donna
became immersed in the ugly court proceedings, which accompany domestic violence
issues.
She
made all the right moves and followed all the procedures according to the law.
She was working with and had the guidance of the Victims Services division of
the Newmarket courthouse, her marriage counsellor and the lawyers at her
workplace. She had the support of friends, family and neighbours.
For
whatever reason, the Crown Attorney informed Donna that he believed Tony would
be sentenced to three months in jail for his crime. At the same time, for
whatever reason, Tony’s lawyer was telling Tony that he would not be spending
any time in jail and that the matter was not considered all that serious in the
eyes of the judicial system.
Donna
began divorce proceedings. She had also asked the NewMarket criminal court to
move up the date from October to June 1995; primarily to have Tony show proof
that he was attending anger management sessions. Donna believed that anger
management training was a six-month stay at a secluded, lock down facility.
She believed it would be to her benefit to have Tony locked up for six
months with counseling rather than a sentence of three months in jail. She
understood Tony’s volatile temper and feared that he would kill her once he
was let out of jail. She thought that
with intense counseling he would learn to control his temper. She was wrong.
Presently, our society does not have any effective counseling for cyclical
batterers which works to dispel the need to control and/or kill their intimate
partners. Counselors who work with severely abusive men have privately admitted
to me a success rate of only one- percent. Psychologists are of the opinion that
they do need to keep trying in order to reach a breakthrough in understanding
and averting further abuse. In
my opinion, jail is the only option.
Four
nights after her fortieth birthday, four months to the day he was arrested, Tony
drove from London Ontario to Newmarket. He cut the telephone cord from the
outside and broke through the back door to get in. He then beat and stabbed
Donna to death using two butcher knives he had taken from the kitchen. Donna
died in abject terror and in agony. Tony washed his hands at the kitchen sink
and then drove to Oakville. Tony
killed himself and left a suicide note on the dashboard of his vehicle. Tony
died the way he had lived, blaming everyone but himself for what he had done.
That horrific night marked the conclusion to years of abuse.
After
Donna’s death, I met with a Senior Crown Attorney. During our conversation he
made the ridiculous statement that society in general was to be blamed for the
violence that Donna had to endure. He went on to blame Donna for not being more
vocal in regards to her fear for her life. He dismissed the multiple and lengthy
discussions she had with the Victim Services Division of the Court as “just
conversations and not any real indication that she was afraid for her life”.
The Senior Crown Attorney said that Tony was a model citizen, a decorated
officer of the Canadian Air Force who had not broken any laws, including the
parameters of his restraining order except for the one fact that he had
committed murder. Tony was never viewed as a threat to the public at large,
notwithstanding his threats to kill his wife, all her family and her dogs.
The Senior Crown Attorney concluded our conversation with
“just because one woman died doesn’t mean there is a problem, the
judicial system worked exactly how it was supposed to. No mistakes were made,
nothing went wrong here.”
Victims
who lay charges against abusive spouses must know for certain that the system
will safeguard them. If women come forward and stick their necks out, the system
must be seen as a protective shield. Blame and responsibility for prosecuting
the offender should be completely taken away from the victim. It was not
Donna’s place to identify and recognize a potential killer.
It was not her place to decide what his legal punishment should be. It
was not within her power to restrain his movements and actions.
Abusers place an inordinate amount of strain on our society.
They are painful to live with and exact a huge toll through policing and court
time, which all too often goes nowhere. Judges continue to view abusers as not
dangerous to the public at large. Why do judges and defense attorneys view
victims of abuse as not as important as the collective public? That one life is
important and deserves to be protected. The word ‘domestic’ does not render
a situation any less dangerous; it merely identifies the victim.
Bail is an important part of our legal system; but we must ensure
stricter enforcement of bail conditions and protect potential victims. We now
know that the most dangerous time for a victim is after the arrest of the
abuser.
Since
Donna’s murder, I have had the opportunity to speak with many family members
of domestic murder cases. One of the most glaringly obvious realizations is that
many of these deaths had identical profiles. Several Law Enforcement Agencies
are on the brink of making meaningful headway in protecting domestic violence
victims. Questionnaires are being developed categorizing abusers and identifying
offenders most likely to kill. These questionnaires will provide a common
language and therefore create a unified understanding of the level of danger an
abuser poses to a victim. The questionnaire is patterned to increase jail
sentences and bail amounts, as the primary focus is victim protection.
Someday,
it will be a powerful experience to hold abusive men fully accountable for their
actions and not as the courts do, diminish their responsibility.
It will be a powerful experience to hold judges and lawyers accountable
for their mistakes. The current judicial system is not progressing and changing
at the same pace as our society. It has become desensitized to victims and has
become all engrossed in the rights of the offenders. All facets of our society
are displeased with the current manner of courtroom rulings. Canadians are
banding together forging relationships out of frustration, to wage a campaign on
several fronts in order to make changes to the methods used by our judicial
system. A system where there is a never-ending succession of innocent murder
victims. Groups such as CAVEAT (Canadians Against Violence Everywhere) has been
formed by family members of murder victims who will not rest, who will not go
away until such time as victims have a greater standing then perpetrators.
Caveat has three mandates: Justice Reform, Victims Rights and
Violence Prevention. Our focus is a search for justice not revenge and to
protect society from violent offenders who slip through the cracks in the
system. One of the many vital contribution CAVEAT has made are the submissions
to the Justice Committee. Research is conducted and recommendations submitted
which relate to a particular piece of legislation that addresses a specific
issue. These submissions are then presented to the Senate. Caveat also hosts
Safety Net Conferences which bring together different disciplines of the
judicial system including judges, lawyers, politicians, crown attorneys, police
and surviving victims. Surviving victims offer a point of view from a different
perspective and their experiences are included within this process. No one group
has all the answers but collectively we are making progress.
In
closing, if I had the power to change what happened to Donna I would. The power
to prevent future domestic killings is within you, may it get stronger every
day.